If you buy through links on this page, we may earn a small commission. I am not her responsibility. Being helpful/doing adult stuff only goes so far. They are overly involved in one anothers personal lives, and activities. To little brothers, idk that might be a soft spot. The biggest thing that your boyfriend needs to learn about are boundaries what are they and how to reinforce those sometimes its okay to help mom but not if its unreasonable its also okay to say no sometimes and if his mom kicks up a fuss again he needs those boundaries to learn to shut down confrontation and learning to stick up for himself. WebYour husband may have a close bond with his family and want to please them, make them happy, and show them his life. It's hard to say what the future will look like. You are so young and don't need to deal with this. Well be on the phone and he doesnt hear me or just responds oh cool to everything I say. WebShe treats him like he's about four and does all his washing, cooking, makes his bed, buys his clothes, gives him an allowance (he's nearly 25 for gods sake) and doesn't even bat an eyelid when he refuses to get up until 5pm some days. If kids were in the plans, you better believe you will be public enemy number one to the new grandma. Yes, this man will dote on you and spoil you. It was almost impossible for me to get turned on by someone who I had just reprimanded for forgetting to take out the garbage. First things first, its time to figure out how extreme the codependency seems, and how much it impacts his and your life. We have been dating for a few months via social distancing and its just progressively going downhill because of his mom. You shouldnt start by saying something too blunt like You and your mom are codependent. If the lack of time spent together is a deal breaker for you, then it can be. by She doesnt think he should have to do weekly shopping trips. 12. IMO.reading between the lines..BF just doesn't want to do video calls that much. It means knowing what you will and wont tolerate. Also, he's afraid if he tells her how he feels, he will either upset her or get more flack from her. The brother thing is likely because they're so young. His mother uses guilt, silent treatment, and passive-aggressiveness as a weapon. In any case, you and he are very young, It is perfectly valid to say, "You're a nice guy but this relationship isn't right for me." She also complains that he doesnt text or message her enough. TL;DR: my relationship (f22) is being ruined by my boyfriends (m22) mom (f46) who is extremely dependent on him for everything, including taking care of his siblings. Even if you arent happy about your partners relationship with his mother, you still need to take care of yourself. And its not fair to the person youre dating/marrying. His mother always thinks she knows best is never wrong and never apologizes. Mentioned above, she tends to come to his own house unannounced, she'll do his laundry, clean the whole house, drop by She texts It's a pity, but yikes to that whole home situation. Updated: Dec. 11, 2020. a 22 year old, to start pulling his weight and help out around the house. Create a calendar for your family but be clear that He's unable or unwilling to set boundaries with his mother and you want more attention from a boyfriend. It's also fairly normal for older children, e.g. WebWithdraw some of your wifely Character. He is also prone to complaining about his mother and garnering sympathy for his broken childhood. Give him a break, sounds like he's a caring individual. Far too often we fall into codependent roles of savior and victim to try to fix our partner, only to end up in a miserable, bitter routine. He is the first person to help anyone else out in the family, which is lovely, but he also tends to talk behind people's backs, complaining about his duty while at the same time feeling like he must be dutiful. If hes not reaching his potential, he has only himself to blame. His mother is overly emotional and prone to mood swings. It sounds like OP is blessed enough in her family to not have had to step up and take on other responsibilities within the family. Its okay to break up with anyone at any time for any reason. Once youve started a free-flowing dialogue, it will hopefully be easier to voice your concerns about the nature of their relationship and whether it has codependent elements to it. She deserves a boyfriend who treats her like a queen. He lives in a single parent household but his siblings are in their teens now. Plus the he has to pay for food he eats. I read a book that talks about this from Steve Harvey. It sounds like OP is already trying to change this guy and she isnt really dating him. Maybe there's a deeper reason to why things are how they are but you don't know it cause the only thing that matters to you is that you're not getting the attention. This is where youll need to be as honest as possible, but still, be mindful of how you approach the conversation. When you meet a man, take heed of what sort of relationship he has with his mom. WebIf your boyfriend can see how things between him and his mom are having a negative affect on their (and your) lives, it will be easier for him to make changes and get the right support I noticed the red flags very early on like you are and ignored them. The mother asking him to buy food with her money and then asking for compensation when those things are eaten also sounds reasonable, I can't imagine why he should be able to eat special food (or off limit food) for free as this implies there are other food items he can eat without compensation. Would he be able to live independently or do you think his mom would still make him do things, and he'd comply? But dont put your feelings to the side either because resentment will only build up. But it's just the mother is dumping her responsibilities on her children. and he'll usually say "baby its your mom. That will make his options clear to him. Everyone is chiming in with emotional incest and abuse because a 22 year old adult still living at home is expected to help out. He feels like he should make sacrifices to please his mother. Clifton Kopp Of course, they are. So he is trying to get free of his mother and live his own life. WebAccept that your mate does not like being treated like a kid. He's not their dad. But you pushing it into him won't work out. After you recognize the signs its important to ask yourself how much this is impacting on you, and in what ways. Why does love so often start out great, only to become a nightmare? WebSpend quality time with your spouse and your mother separately. Find a reasonable compromise. This is the first thing I thought. It may require some patience and understanding to get through to him. it sounds like it doesn't occur to him to set the normal boundary of "be quiet and don't bug me for 30 min, i need to call someone". Obviously, everything does not have to be done as a family. I mean really, she thinks its unreasonable to ask a 22 year old LIVING AT HOME to go to the grocery store once a week??? The parent partner typically nags, prods, controls, dictates, scolds, and makes most of the decisions. You have to remember to take care of yourself. did he text and call and respond the way you want? As another comment said, deep in FOG. But thats no ok. It sadly won't change. So I very much second that he needs to recognise it as a problem, otherwise it will continue how it is and OP will have to be the increasingly accommodating one. As she told me we have 3 options. Normal boundaries start to blur. She will most likely make up lies or rumors to turn him against you and refocus on her. I wonder if mom allows it because he is a "father figure" to them. And not just about what he will or wont do in the futurebut do you even want to be in a relationship with this guy? I don't trust OP's narrative on this point. It's her. I think if you can't be with someone who is going to be busy and sometimes can't give you their full attention then I suggest that you talk to him about how you feel and that you can't be in that kind of relationship. This means that any major decision he makes will be predicated on what she wants and not what you two want as a couple. Perhaps he always puts her in front of you, or their relationship intrudes on yours. He cant downsize his mother until he moves out of her house. Nope, instead, he has an intense fear that he will disappoint her, and he tends to sneak around to do what he wants to do, especially if he thinks she won't give the thumbs up. You can just be done. I'd get out now while you can. BF sounds like a responsible dude. Our website services, content and products are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. So this might be solvable, or it might not. Your boyfriend has always been very close to his mom. But he will just try to balance both and fail unless he actually misses out on his own life because of his acceptance that this is just his life. 1- Does he see it as an issue? Web4.3K views, 34 likes, 0 loves, 4 comments, 6 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Hoa: You, Me & My Ex Seson 2 - Episole 2 - Un-ex-pected News - Full Episole Either be a decent human being and help your partner or dump him cause he deserves better. No one should have to feel not valued by someone they love if your spouse treats you like His mom isn't the problem. The grocery trip is weekly, too. You might not like my opinion and my language might be a bit strong, but you're being very incosiderate towards him. The fact that she's interrupting phone calls sounds like an easy thing to fix, how often are you on the phone, is it scheduled or random? OP can't decide it for him. Of course. There may be things you feel you could introduce or compromises to make that would make you feel better. Maybe he cant do that because the economy is shit and probably only going to get worse. You have a man who is not threatened by women but stimulated by them. When someone is in denial over anything, although we can try to help them see unhealthy patterns, its down to them ultimately. Period. Ehhhhh. Now though hes transitioning more into adulthood its time that he learns how to separate himself from his mom his mom is not healthy shes toxic and if anything shes emotionally and physically stunting him by not letting him grow up and he should. The first few months in a relationship are the foundation upon which you build the rest of it. OP sounds likesomeone I would not want to be marooned with on a desert island. This is especially true if youre trying to maintain a healthy relationship with your partner while dealing with his unhealthy relationship with his mother. It doesn't matter whether he loves men or women a man's relationship with his mother will create severe lines and crevices in his personality. Should I end things with him? I was in a situation almost EXACTLY like this with my ex boyfriend. It sounds like your boyfriend lives at home with his mother, and assuming he's paying rent, these are normal tasks he should split house hold responsibilities 50/50 (or even more so if he's NOT paying rent). 1) accept he'll never change and that's the life he decided to lead 2) wait for him to change. The daddy thing is weird though. I think at that age people should be independent anyway, if you live rent free at your parents place I dont see as a big wrongdoing from them to except services and help around the house. And whats the solution to dating someone who is in a codependent relationship with their mom? I'd get out now before you invest any more time into this relationship. It might help you understand why he's put up with her behavior, and give you both some tools at dealing with the situation. I love her to death and she is one of my best friends, but she shouldnt have had to feel like she needed to be that for me. Web167 likes, 15 comments - JJ Heller (@jjhellermusic) on Instagram: "Graduation season is almost upon us! I like her." As Rud explains in this mind blowing free video, love is not what many of us think it is. He is the problem. People are busy and you as his gf know he's very busy trying to be a good brother and a good son (regardless of how shitty his mom is at parenting). Has it caused arguments? His mom has basically conditioned him to this type of behaviour. His mother sees this as a competition. I know Im 38 and have my own kids, when my mom is in town she isnt all that concerned if Im on the phone and she wants to tell me something quick. He cant see how weird it is because its just his life to him. i (22f) live with my family and boyfriend (22m). It sounds like these two are not compatible. My psychologist told me that it's normal for people to have certain things unresolved with our parents, like a mother who doesn't know her boundaries and doesn't treat her son as a SON. The codependent person may feel responsible for the other persons emotions. Oh yes. These behaviors arent mutually exclusive, of course; my own mother was dismissive, combative, unreliable, and self-involved by turns. But also, maybe it's a bit of a family joke (albeit a weird one). To my knowledge, he hasnt had a girlfriend since (5 years later). You are never going to find a person with a perfect situation. Why? Yes, this is about his relationship with his mom. RELATED: 15 Definitive Signs You're With A Good Man (As Written By One). I hereby give you permission to pursue happiness. Doing weekly shopping and running errands is not an unreasonable ask. He is a 22 year old adult that still lives at home. Juliana Mei Mom can't take care of him forever. Maybe the house is really stressed right now because of the quarantine. The two of them might well benefit from some counseling about how to transition their relationship from parent/teenager to parent/adult. They often take care of them by trying to fix things for them. He loves them when they're behaving as they should and not when they're behaving as they shouldn't. And I guarantee the brothers don't call him "daddy" in the way OP would like people to think. It doesnt sound like she has even met his family or been to the house. He shouldn't fix whatever is happening at home to give YOU full attention, you should want him to fix it for his sake and his happiness and mental health, and not just so you could get talk to him whenever you want it. Dismissive. Withdrawing some of your core wifely characters is a great protest note to let him be aware that he is losing you. My partner is in a similar boat. Youll never be able to find such a gem of a person who is willing to take such responsibility. Get out now while you can. Our partners problems so easily impact us. does his mom know that's his goal? Thats why its so important to recognize what you can and cannot control. He wants to move out, right? And he will never be able to stand up for you, your relationship, or himself because of the grip she has on him. #8: They say you need to change.