The Daily English Show. 21. 74. No problem, the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Laugh more here: Hilarious Puns and Jokes for Kids. If the windshield doesnt break, its likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. I have got the best collection of funny train jokes. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. Look no further! Everyone was wearing platforms. Were on to you, now. What does a monster see when it sees a train full of passengers? When they board the train the three Irishmen cram into a bathroom and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. Train drivers are quite clever and known for their engine-uity. So after the conference, the Irishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). Did you hear about the man who took the 6 oclock train home? if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'laffgaff_com-box-3','ezslot_4',170,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-box-3-0');These funny train jokes and puns will put you on the right track to a fun-filled day! Roger was on a train, mumbling to himself, smiling, and then raising his hand. Q: Why is that train engine humming?A: It doesnt know the words. Teachers and railroad security are more similar than you might think. 1. He knocked on the door and said, Ticket, please.. A single banana, he says. 11. The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. Ive always been a big fan of a funny one-liner. Realist sees light from incoming train. He doesnt care that he cant drive it or that he failed catastrophically before; he is obsessed with trains and his only desire is to operate one. When we first started to put this list together, we were skeptical. He isnt strong enough to lift either of them.What do you call a train that likes toffee?A chew-chew train.A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows. Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. 39. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." Did you know that train conductors make great thieves? Hes my arch enemy.I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. The train conductor was a very sneaky woman, she always had a track or two up her sleeve. They have complete tunnel vision. No matter what, the train I regularly take home is always late. Because she wanted to cover her tracks.How do you locate a stolen train? Being a train driver is more difficult than it looks. He lost on points. Railroad workers arent what they used to be. to Chicago. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didnt know what it was. Have you reached the age of a grown-up? Why cant train engineers get electrocuted? He knocked on the restroom door and said, Ticket, please. The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. Required fields are marked *. Its just fun to play them! "You were going 65 mph and the speed limit is only 60 mph, I saw it myself on the speedometer in the business car!" Train conductors are known for their drinking. I tried to get a job as a railway conductor, but they didnt think I had enough training. He was just a really bad conductor.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'laffgaff_com-leader-2','ezslot_28',194,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-leader-2-0'); What noise does a train make when its sick? Here are some of the jokes I found on the back of the LaffyTaffy candy packages. The conductor has never missed a day of work in over 20 years on the job. I guess that's why I like monorails so much! The conductor was right in the middle of his presentation when he lost his train of thought. Give an unforgettable gift and make your loved ones laugh today! A man called a taxi company in Waterford (Sth Ireland) and said Can you help me? Then, the young woman proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." A: The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says "Choo Choo Choo!" seeking at him, another man said, Young man, you should be in better shape! Whats one easy way to tell if a train just passed? At your age, I could catch the train by a gnats whisker and still be fresh. Why did the sperm cross the road? Your email address will not be published. Being a train conductor requires you to get up early in the morning. There will be no time for you not to laugh uncontrollably. But I realized it would require too much training. Hed never seen a train or the tracks they run on. You can see for yourself what I mean by scrolling through this list. You did superbly under cross-examination.Thanks, he said, but he sure had me worried.Hows that? the lawyer asked.I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!, 56. Through their enginears. ", A: A chew, chew train. Theyre not the conductor.Did you hear about the man who took the 6 oclock train home? There is a surprising amount of humor in train jokes and puns. Theyre running with a skeleton service. My first reaction when I began putting this list together was skepticism. It was an ex-press train. As I was on the train on the way home last night, I thought hat a good topic for this week's puns and one-liners would be train jokes, so here are a collection of railway related gags. They always seem to have a get out of rail free card.I always like chewing gum on the train. Choose your size on Amazon! You can always tell when a train driver is stressed because they bite their rails. This collection of train jokes are clean and safe for kids of all ages - and we're adding new jokes all the time. Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? Within a weeks time, naturally, the man, who is obsessed with trains, goes and steals another one. Since you have freed me from the lantern, you can make a wish, the genie who was attired in coveralls and an engineers hat announced.I thought genies always granted three wishes, the railfan said.Those are the lamp and bottle guys, the genie explained.The train fan nodded his understanding.Okay then lets have a request unless you want to stand around and discuss waning wizard wishes.The railfan quickly replied, I would like a railroad built to Hawaii.The genie stared at the railfan and shook his head. And all you sons of bitches who are. What do you call a sick locomotive? He was there come train or shine. Swinging a large bag, a young man managed to reach the train, throw his bag in and climb aboard, gasping for air. Response to passenger complaint about increased sleeping car fares:The berth rate has gone up since your last trip., 78. A man and his wife check into a hotel. A: Because he's not a conductor! A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. Wanna take the joke a little far? A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track. Suddenly the train crashed, where would the survivors be buried?Nowhere, they are the survivors! The I Choose You T-shirt is our second choice because of the cute train pun. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. It had forgotten the words.Why do you have to wait longer for a train on Halloween?Because they run a skeleton service.Did you hear about the Mexican train hijacker?They say he had locomotives.Whats the difference between a teacher and a train?The teacher says, Spit out your gum, but a train says, Chew chew!Why are dolphins so smart?Because within three hours they can train a human to stand at the edge of the pool and feed them fish!What do need in order to crash a train?A bad track recordTo become a licensed, airline pilot requires 1,500 hours (two years) of training. I've always been a big fan of a funny one-liner. Q: What do you give a train driver for Christmas?A: Platform shoes! No one would ever find out how hard he trained, because he never got a platform to share it. A train with a coal-d. My buddy made the grand final of the national model train competition. A: A jellicopter! Ive always been driven by the joy of monorails.Well, one thing Ill say about ticket inspectors is that youve certainly got to hand it to them.Reading between the lines can be extremely dangerous, particularly if you are at a train station.I handed in my notice today and left my job as a newspaper reporter. Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!" "Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!". A: Only one, but to no avail. Predictably, hes hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.After weeks in the hospital recovering, hes at his friends house attending a party. The train driver was overloaded with work, but he just kept chugging along. 10. 64. He couldnt coordinate the. "See there in the distance. Q: Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween?A: They only run a skeleton service. A: Because people are always crossing it! On inquiry she found that the actual town of Jamestown was some 2 miles away from the station.Why did you not build the station closer to the town? She yelled at the station master.Well at first, we thought the same, said the station master, but then, we decided to build the station near the railway line!, 52. A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. I wanted to put together this list of funny train puns a while ago, but I just kept getting side tracked. These train jokes are meant to be funny, but some can be offensive at the same time. Now that you have a handy list of train puns and train jokes at your disposal, its time for you to share them with whoever will listen! Jack: Did you hear about the Model Railroader whose layout got trampled by a herd of buffalo?Fred: No, whats he doing now?Jack: Remodeling., 65. Look at you, panting away. The young man took a deep breath and said, Pop, I missed this train at the last station., 61. Watch and youll see, answered an engineer.They all boarded the train. One snatches your watch. You wont want to miss this hilarious adventure of train jokes and puns that will relieve your stress for a while. The Irishmen take their respective seats but all three Scots cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees whats happened and asks the desert man, Whyd you ruin my good tea kettle? The desert man replies, Man, you gotta kill these things when theyre small., 48. Let's hit the road ladies and gents: #1. Thats nearly impossible, he stated. I've always been driven by the joy of monorails. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?, I said, Im not sure. This is an awesome gift for that friend or sibling of yours whos into math and science. A: Because it has a tender behind. He asked for the banana but we didnt give it to him, we swear! says one of the guards. Adult dirty riddle jokes are some of the most beautifully produced, genuinely laugh-out-loud jokes. Whats going on? she yells out of the window.Cow on the track! replies the conductor.Ten minutes later the train resumes its slow pace but within five minutes it stops again. One cow turns to the other cow and says, "Moooooo!" 30. His shoes start to smoke! A man traveling by train asks the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria. If yes, have a look at the list of train jokes for adults! After that, I picked up the pace quickly. Being a conductor is more difficult than it looks. It was enough to drive you loco. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. "Because I put on the wrong sock this morning." brutalanglosaxon 2. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scots leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Irishmen are hiding. It was an end of line sale. He kept getting off at every station to buy a ticket till the next station.When the train reached Chicago, the mans co-passengers asked him why he kept on buying tickets instead of buying a ticket for the entire trip.The man replied that his doctor had advised him against taking long journeys. One of them said, "This is is longest stairway I have ever been on." 36. Hotel Manager The guards refuse his request, and instead serve him a standard last meal of steak, potatoes, and berry cobbler. There are many exciting and humorous jokes about trains that are suitable for people of all ages. If you have any train puns or jokes that you think we should add to the list, hop over to our contact page and suggest them! But it only takes 10 seconds to steal the pilots jacket and hat.You wanna know why I love trains?They end my suffering.Why was I stress eating on the train track?To wait to get hit.Why cant a steam locomotive sit down?Because it has a tender behind.Why did timmy drop his ice cream coneHe got hit by a train. By following the tracks.Who solves railway crimes?Scotland Train-Yard.What happened to the man who took the evening train home? Said to a railroad engineer: Whats the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.The reply from the railroad engineer: How would we know they were late, if we didnt have a schedule?. Q: What do you call a train that eats toffee? He receives plenty of freight mail. Sir, we dont stop at Victoria, the collector said. One-Liners in Spanish These are funny S panish jokes that you can say in a single line or as a response. 150 Hilarious Train Jokes to Engineer Laughs on Your Face. Q: What happened to the man that took the 5 oclock train home?A: He had to give it back! Q: Why was the Model Railroader tossed out of the party?A: He spiked the punch. Yo mama so dirty, her house was mistaken for a landfill. Hire an expert to follow the tracks. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. Why do trains take so long to arrive on Halloween? The train departed. the crossing lights start flashing in your review mirror and you make a U turn to be first in line at the grade crossing. Yo mama so dirty, when she swims in a pool, a ring is left around the edge. Indeed, deaths and injuries from electrocution have been on a steady increase globally in recent years. I went to a throwback party at the train station. Before he faces his sentence, hes offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. They ask him what hed like for his last meal. Basically, theyre always up to something and theyll definitely enjoy the message on this grey T-shirt. 96. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Every time the train stops she asks him. 28. How do you find a missing train? Those who steal trains must have a locomotive! 87. How about something else?The train fan thought a moment and said, I wish all the Amtrak trains would run on schedule.The genie rolled his eyes. Wow, you really have to hand it to ticket inspectors. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-craft normally flies at it. 25. 75. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly., 55. Everyone was wearing platforms.Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. Why did the elephant refuse to travel on the train? They suspected the culprit had a locomotive. Oh, and did I mention that with every purchase, youll also get a FREE greeting card and a pendant? All Rights Reserved. Why are the railroad tracks angry? Q: What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time?A: Choo choo!. Q: If an electric train is heading north, which way would the steam be coming out?A: There wouldnt be any. Jokes4us.com Privacy Policy. We think this is because theres something about trains that appeals to everyone on a very childlike level. Lets skip sidings and go for double tracks from Honolulu to LA. Its hard to find anyone with more focus than a train driver. Because she didnt want to leave her trunk in the baggage carriage.How do find out how heavy a whale is?By taking it to the whale weigh station.When does a rabbit go at exactly the same speed as a train?When it is one of the passengers on the train.Anyone who steals a train would definitely have a locomotive.I was considering becoming a railway conductor or engineer, but I got put off by all the training.I went for a walk along the railroad tracks, but then I suddenly felt run down.I used to be a railway engineer but I kept losing my train of thought and going down the wrong track.A young man has just told me about a great offer on railway buffers.